


Graying Out

by Musetotheworld



Series: You Make us Better [5]
Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: F/F, I swear someone asked for this, Soulmate AU, based on a tumblr prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-04-18 22:22:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4722512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Musetotheworld/pseuds/Musetotheworld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on a prompt from Tumblr, part of the "You Make us Better" series. Not as fluff filled as the others have been. Prompt is at the end to avoid spoilers. It was supposed to be a joyful occasion...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place about 6 years after the last one, so from this point out the series will be out of chronological order.

Hospitals are never a pleasant place, even when you’re there for what should be a pleasant occasion. They’d been excited when they arrived, even as the sharp scents of disinfectant hit them they’d been glad to finally be here. They’d waited long enough, now it was time to reward that patience, and all three of them had been more than willing to put up with the harsh scents and bright lights.

That had been hours ago. That was before two of them had been pushed from the room, before monitors were beeping and doctors were yelling. Before the artificial silence of the waiting room, the air chilly and uncomfortable as the two women cling to each other, the only source of comfort available in the sterile environment.

They’ve gotten a few rushed status updates, but the nurses have been too rushed to offer much reassurance, just a few clipped words about bleeding sources and oxygen levels that make no sense to the worried pair. Neither of them has much of a medical background, not even after all the appointments they’ve attended over the past year. They’re still wildly out of their depths, both wishing someone could take the time to tell them simply what’s going on, whether their soulmate is okay.

The constant wondering is almost worse than knowing any potential bad news would be, the silence leaving both women alone with their own thoughts, nothing available to distract them from imagining the worst. Though neither says anything, they both know the other is doing the same thing they are, watching the various colored landscapes dotting the walls, taking comfort in the fact they’re still vibrantly hued, and dreading any change.

“It should have been me” Aubrey hears Beca say, after what seems like hours of silence since their last update. Aubrey hadn’t known she could hurt more than she already did, but the matching pain in Beca’s voice seems to double her own.

“And what, then Chloe and I would be standing here instead? We all agreed when the doctors told us Chloe had the best odds to carry a healthy baby that they knew best. If this happened with our best odds, what do you think would have happened if it had been you? Do you think this would be any easier if you were the one in there, if it were Chloe and I waiting for news about you?” She isn’t trying to snap at her soulmate, but the stress of the past few hours has gotten to her, settling into a familiar roiling in her stomach that she’s barely keeping down. She can’t manage to split any more of her focus from holding in back and worrying about Chloe to soften her voice, even if she feels guilty when Beca winces.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying.” Beca says, running a hand through her hair as she paces, a gesture that’s as familiar to Aubrey as the rolling in her gut. “I just hate knowing that she’s in there, that she’s going through this. And I don’t know what I’d do if I lost either of you, but now there’s a chance we’re losing her, and I can’t imagine it.” She settles into one of the uncomfortable chairs as she finishes, obviously not steady on her feet as the emotions that thought brings up hit her.

“It wouldn’t be any easier if it were you in there, you know that right?” Aubrey asks as she crosses the room to sit next to her soulmate, reaching out for her hand and the needed comfort the contact offers.

“I’m not saying it would be easy” Beca answers, gripping Aubrey’s hand tightly. “But you two have been together without me before. I’ve never had to be without either of you, not once we started dating. You two know how to be together without me, but I can’t imagine not waking up to both of you next to me. You two have that history that I don’t, if you lost me then you’d already have that part figured out, you know?”

Aubrey knows their worry about Chloe has them both less than fully coherent and able to express what they’re feeling, but even rambling and disjointed, there’s something in Beca’s words that hurt the blonde. “I didn’t know you felt like that” she says when the words finally sink in. “Beca, that was years ago! We don’t know how to be together without you anymore, and the thought of losing you hurts just as much as the thought of losing Chloe.” If there was a way to be any closer to her soulmate Aubrey would take it in a heartbeat, she’s cursing the armrest keeping them in separate chairs right now.

“I usually don’t” Beca says quietly, leaning over the armrest to lay her head on Aubrey’s shoulder. “I know you two love me, and I love both of you. It’s just that being here, sitting and waiting for news, watching how worried you are, I can’t help thinking that Chloe would be better at comforting you.”

“Well that’s just because Chloe has a superhuman sense of how to comfort someone” Aubrey manages to joke with a small smile. It’s a weak attempt at humor, but it’s enough to lift a bit of the dark mood that Beca’s insecurities have brought on.

“She’ll be okay” Aubrey whispers into Beca’s hair after a few minutes have passed in silence, arm around her soulmate’s shoulders holding her close, trying to comfort them both with the contact.

“What if she isn’t” comes the even quieter response, as if saying it any louder might tempt fate. And Aubrey doesn’t want to even consider the possibility, but she owes it to both of them to be rational about the situation.

“She will be, but if she isn’t, then we figure it out. We can get through it together, even if I have no idea how. But she never let us run before, and neither of us is going to start now.” Aubrey can tell that Beca is close to tears next to her, and knows her own had started falling long minutes ago. “You know, Chloe and I once talked about what we’d do if we’d lost you” she says, not sure why the memory is coming to her right now, but needing to share it with Beca. “I thought I’d pushed you away for good, before we got together, and I asked if we could be okay without you. She told me no, that losing you would be like losing music. But that even with that gap in our lies, we could get through. She never stopped believing in us, in all three of us. She still hasn’t stopped, so we won’t either, right?”

“You knew back then that you both loved me that much?” Beca asks, apparently not registering Aubrey’s question. There’s something in her voice that Aubrey can’t put a name to, but she’s instinctively pulling her soulmate closer to comfort her as she hears it.

“We did. And now we’ve all been together for seven years, and I love both of you more than I ever thought possible.” Aubrey can feel Beca’s tears now, feel her shoulders shaking as she quietly sobs. Normally she’d tease the younger woman about the tears, her soulmate still insisting she doesn’t cry, but she can’t bring herself to say anything. Because there’s so much worry in the air right now, so many swirling emotions that Aubrey realizes should have been talked about years ago, that even as a joke the words will fall flat.  
So instead she just holds Beca as they cry, clinging to each other as if the other’s presence can ward off the worst. Eventually they cry themselves out, each settling into a numb sort of trance, staring at the wall across from them without really seeing it, neither even really thinking anymore, each just waiting for news. It’s impossible to tell how long they sit there like that, each only really aware of the other.

It’s subtle when it starts, taking Aubrey a minute to realize what’s happening. But as the vibrant colors of the painting in front of them slowly fade, she sits up straight with a gasp, feeling her heart slowly crumble in time with the fading colors. It’s a physical pain in her chest, a pain so strong she barely registers the one in her hand from where Beca is clutching it tightly, and she knows she’s gripping back just as firmly.

For all her talk about making it through if the worst happens, now that she’s faced with the reality of it happening she can’t seem to breath, can feel herself edging towards unconsciousness as her vision continues to dull. “Oh god, Aubrey, this can’t be happening” she hears Beca whisper next to her, the pain and need in her soulmate’s voice anchoring her to the present. She can’t think of anything to say, all of the comforting words that occur to her fall flat in her own mind, so she knows they won’t be of any help to her soulmate either.

The urge to shut her eyes and avoid seeing the colors continue fading is almost overwhelming, but actually doing so feels like she’s betraying Chloe by taking the easy way out, so she turns to look into Beca’s eyes, furiously blinking away tears to maintain the eye contact.

If she’s going to lose color, going to lose a piece of her soul, then she’s going to hold on to the connection she still has until she physically can’t any more. Beca seems to have the same idea, turning at the same moment, hands clasped firmly together as they silently wait.

With the colors continuing to fade towards the bland range of colors Aubrey barely remembers from before Beca, she swears to herself that she won’t let the two of them fall apart. Chloe may have been the push behind both of the entering the relationship, but she wasn’t the only thing that kept them together, not even close. And after hearing Beca’s insecurities earlier, Aubrey is determined to prove to Beca that ever since the three of them had gotten together, everything was equal between them.  
She loved Beca and Chloe equally, and they would miss Chloe equally. There would be no wishing it had been Beca, no blaming her for what had happened. She knows she’ll blame herself, wish that she could have changed the outcome, somehow seen this coming and been able to prevent it.

But at the same time, the past months looking forward to having a child of their own had been perfect, all three of them happier than they’d ever been. So she wouldn’t change that for anything, knowing that having a child was important to all of them, even if she and Beca had needed to work through various family issues before they’d been wholly on board with the idea. But once Chloe had gotten pregnant, everything had seemed to fall into place, leaving each of them waiting impatiently for the day their child was born  
Just as Aubrey thinks the colors have finished fading, they seem to flicker, and she holds her breath as they seem to come back, convinced that she’s just imagining things, that she’s hoping so hard her brain is playing tricks on her. But Beca’s eyes are widening as well, her soulmate gasping in surprise as her hands jerk, hope suddenly back in her eyes, and Aubrey knows that it can’t be a trick. Not unless both of their brains are somehow in on it together.

But no, the colors are coming back much faster than they’d faded, and Aubrey can feel herself crying again, this time in relief. It isn’t long before everything is back to full color, and Aubrey stands, pulling Beca into a tight embrace, tired of the armrest in between them. She only pulls back from the hug when she hears someone enter the room, turning to see who it is without fully letting go of her soulmate.

This time it’s the doctor, not just a nurse, and Aubrey knows they’re finally going to get some solid answers, not rushed updates that mean nothing to them. But even with the colors around them offering proof that Chloe is alive, Aubrey can’t help feeling nervous as she waits for the doctor to speak, not knowing what had happened, whether Chloe is okay or just still holding on. She also wants to know how the baby is, knows that even if Chloe is okay, losing their child will devastate them all. Still, the kind look on the doctor’s face while serious, isn’t full of pity or condolence, which is a good sign.

“Well, you two are obviously aware that we had some complications with the delivery, but we did pull them both through, and both are stable.” The doctor starts, smiling a little as both women sigh in relief. “They’ll both need to stay at least for a few days so we can keep an eye on things, but the way things are looking now they’ll both be good to go home together.”

For once Aubrey can’t focus on the details and specifics, but Beca somehow steps up and questions the doctor, hand rubbing soothing circles on the blonde’s back the entire time. “When can we see them” Aubrey asks when the conversation slows, trying to sound confident rather than desperate, knowing that she isn’t fooling anyone as she clings to Beca’s side.

“It shouldn’t be too much longer” the doctor says with a sympathetic smile. “They’re both getting cleaned up and checked out, and of course Chloe is still coming off of the anesthetic we gave her, but it shouldn’t be more than an hour at most, and probably significantly less.”

They thank the woman then, who obviously realizes they need some time alone together to deal with the emotions that have hit them both over the hours of waiting. Neither of them speak for a long moment, returning to the tight embrace they’d been in before the news, this time with only relief prompting the closeness.

“We’re never doing this again” Beca says when the embrace loosens, head still buried in Aubrey’s shoulder.

“”Definitely not” Aubrey agrees immediately. “I never want to think about losing either of you, ever again.” Even saying it causes the blonde to shiver, and she knows she’s probably in for weeks of nightmares after the close call. From the way Beca is still clinging to her, she doesn’t think she’ll be alone.

“Still, it all turned out okay, right? And we’re mothers now, so even as much as it sucked, it’s still a little worth it, isn’t it?” Beca asks, sounding more like she’s trying to convince herself than asking for confirmation.

“I think it will be, when everything has calmed down, and we know everything is going to be okay” Aubrey answers honestly, still feeling the effects of the adrenaline and emotions they’ve experienced since the first monitors started beeping their alerts. Even after hearing the doctor’s reassurances, part of her still needs to see her soulmate and child before she’ll be convinced everything is really okay.

But while they’re waiting for the okay to head back to Chloe’s room, there’s something she needs to make sure Beca knows. “Everything I said earlier still stands, you know that right? It’s not something I said just because of what was going on. You are every bit as important to me as Chloe is, and I know she feels the same way about both of us. There is no separation between us, and there never will be.”

“I know” Beca says, pulling back a little to meet Aubrey’s eyes. “I’m not even sure why it came up all of the sudden, earlier. It was just out of nowhere, like of course you should have Chloe by your side for this, of course you two should be the ones who come out of this together. And while you know I’d do anything to make sure you two are happy and safe, I do know I’m just as important to you as Chloe is.”

Aubrey can tell Beca means it, but she’s still a little worried that the insecurities are still there, deep down. She can understand if they are, it took years for her to believe she deserved the two amazing women in her life, and even after the years they’ve been together she’s still aware of just how lucky she is to have them. “I’m still going to do everything I can to make sure you know that” Aubrey says seriously, glad to see her soulmate’s face light up with familiar mischief.

“Does that mean you’re going to take my nighttime feeding turns?” she asks, leaning back into the embrace to keep Aubrey from smacking her arm.

“No, I’m just going to let you take all of mine, give you some extra bonding time” Aubrey says with a small laugh, poking Beca’s side where she knows the brunette is sensitive, earning a laugh from her soulmate in return.

“We can share them” Beca says finally, stepping back from Aubrey to wipe her eyes and run a hand through her hair.

“Deal” Aubrey says as she does the same, trying to make it less obvious that the past hours have been hell on their emotions.

They don’t have to wait much longer to see Chloe, and Aubrey has to keep herself from rushing the nurse as they’re led through the halls at what seems like a glacially slow pace. Once they reach the door to Chloe’s room though, Aubrey stops in her tracks, somehow afraid to step inside. Beca seems to understand, placing a comforting hand on her arm, silently waiting for her soulmate to be ready.

It takes a second, but when a small cry comes from around the corner, she suddenly needs to be able to see her soulmate and child with an intensity that’s nearly physical. Taking Beca’s hand tightly in her own, Aubrey nods once to herself, and with a deep breath walks into the hospital room, gaze going immediately to where Chloe is resting, looking exhausted but definitely alive. There’s no baby in her arms however, and Aubrey panics for a moment before realizing that there’s a bassinet against the wall, and that after the stress of the surgery Chloe probably doesn’t have enough strength to hold a baby.

“Hey” Chloe says softly when she sees them, raising her hands with visible effort to wave them closer. “One of you better bring my baby over here, or I’m going to go crazy” she says as she does, and Aubrey almost chuckles at how normal it all seems. It’s as if the emotional events of the past few hours have faded away now that she can see her soulmate with her own eyes.

With a quick glance at Beca, Aubrey crosses to the bassinet as the other woman heads to Chloe’s side, taking one of the redhead’s hands in a gentle grip. She can hear the two talking, hear the tremor in Beca’s voice as she tries to keep the conversation light. She can’t focus on what they’re saying though, most of her attention captured by the tiny bundle in front of her, the sleeping face the most peaceful thing Aubrey thinks she’s ever seen.

And she has to admit that yes, now that she’s here staring down at their child, what they’ve gone through seems worth it, knows that she wouldn’t change anything if it meant giving this moment up.

“Bree, I know she’s gorgeous, but if you don’t bring my baby over here so I can see her, I’m going to have Beca smack you for me” she hears Chloe say, the sweetness of her tone not covering the firmness beneath, and Aubrey realizes she’s been staring at their daughter lost in thought for several minutes.

“Beca wouldn’t smack me right now, we have an agreement” Aubrey jokes to cover her sudden nervousness at actually picking the sleeping child up. They’ve all practices, have all held friend’s and family’s babies over the years. They’d even been there with Jessica’s baby was born, held her son when she was as small as their daughter is now. So it’s not new to her, holding a newborn, but she’s still slightly freaked at the thought of actually holding their baby.

Still, she’s not about to disappoint Chloe, or risk her displeasure, so with only a slight hesitation Aubrey reaches down and carefully picks up their daughter, almost not even daring to breathe as she concentrates on not jostling her. Once she gets her up and settled into her arms, the nervousness disappears, replaced with an intense sense of wonder.  
She can’t believe this tiny bundle in her arms is really theirs, that they have a baby. “She’s perfect” Aubrey whispers as she carefully walks to Chloe’s side, barely able to take her eyes off the sleeping child long enough to make it safely across the room.

“Means she takes after her mother” Beca jokes, smiling across the bed at her soulmate and their daughter.

“She takes after all of her mothers, if you’re going by that standard” Chloe says, reaching up to run a hand over their daughter’s cap covered head.

“I see modesty is still one of your best features” Aubrey says, joining the joking in an attempt to keep from crying again, this time from pure joy and relief that they’ve made it to this point.

“Are you saying she’s not perfect?” Beca responds before Chloe can, and Aubrey can tell by her tone that she’s doing the same thing she is.

“Not even close. But if she takes my compliment, I’ll have to find a new one.” The banter is familiar, even if the usual eye contact is missing as they all stare at their sleeping daughter, and it helps keep Aubrey grounded after the wild ranges of emotions they’ve been through.

“Don’t worry, I’ll let you keep it” Chloe says, squeezing Aubrey’s arm before returning her hand to their daughter’s head. “But everything about this moment is perfect.”

“Not quite” Beca says, wincing a little as both her soulmates look at her in surprise. “I mean it is, but we still haven’t agreed on a name for her, and calling her ‘the baby’ kind of takes away from the moment” If Aubrey wasn’t worried about startling their daughter with sudden noise and movement, she’d definitely be laughing at the look on Beca’s face as she tries frantically to explain herself. Even after all the years they’ve been together, if never fails to amuse her when her self-proclaimed cool and confident soulmate gets so easily flustered.

“You have a point” Aubrey says, this time not able to hold back a small laugh at the look of relief on her soulmate’s face. “This little one deserves a name.” Beca holds out her arms for the baby, and with a little reluctance Aubrey passes her over, smiling at the sight of her love holding their child.

“Well now that she’s here, I don’t think my vote works anymore” Beca says as she stares down at their daughter. “She doesn’t seem like a Hannah to me.”

“Beca, she has two facial expressions and we don’t know anything about her personality, how can she seem like anything yet?” Aubrey points out logically.

“No, I agree with Beca” Chloe says, earning a look from Aubrey and an eye roll from Beca.

“That’s just because you think Hannah is an old lady name for some reason” Beca says as Chloe shrugs.

“I like Chloe’s pick” Aubrey says as she looks at their daughter, running the name through her mind a few times and liking how it sounds.

“You aren’t just saying that because I almost died, are you?” Chloe asks, far too comfortable with joking about it already. Apparently she realizes that, because she quickly apologizes with a wince. “Sorry, I know that was probably too much too soon. I just thought that maybe joking about it would help.”

“I know you like to greet every challenge with a smile, Chloe, but I think Beca and I need a little time” Aubrey says softly as she squeezes Chloe’s hand, trying to explain without words, not wanting to bring the mood down.

“Are we all okay?” Chloe asks, looking between her soulmates in concern.

“We are and we will be” Aubrey reassures her, moving her hand reassuringly to Chloe’s shoulder.

“So, Brooke then?” Beca asks after a minute of all three looking at each other silently.

“Brooke Elizabeth” Chloe agrees, smiling at their daughter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plan is for at least one more chapter, but I have a few other prompts I want to work on before I end up making people wait too long for their fills. So I'm leaving this unfinished for now, but I promise I'll come back to it soon!

                Beca and Aubrey practically live at the hospital over the next week, the doctors deciding to keep Chloe longer than the few days they’d panned at first when a few of her states were slow to respond as well as they’d hoped. They’re not complaining though, after the scare during the delivery they’re both overly cautious with Chloe, refusing to take any chances.

                Beca knows they’re overdoing it when even the doctors comment, but she can’t seem to stop, and neither can Aubrey. Chloe takes it with relative patience, gently teasing when they start to get ridiculous, but mostly letting them fuss over her without complaint.

                The only thing she refuses to budge on is holding Brooke, as soon as the doctors clear her she wanted her baby, and brushes off concern about how long she holds her when her soulmates try to convince her to take it slow. Nothing has been said, but Beca is starting to wonder if Chloe is dealing with nearly dying by clinging to their daughter.

                She knows her soulmate prefers to focus on the good in every situation, so she thinks it’s not only possible but likely that she’s distracting herself from the darker parts of what she’s gone through in favor of focusing on the positive. But she also knows that avoidance never completely works or last, and has seen what happens when Chloe can’t stay in the positive enough times over the years to know they’ll all eventually have to face what had nearly happened

                For now though, Beca’s content with sticking close to her soulmates and their daughter, just enjoying their time together without tainting what should be happy moments and memories with thoughts of ‘what ifs’ that they didn’t have to face. So that’s what she does, fussing over Chloe every time the redhead tries to push too hard, knowing Aubrey sees the same signs she does as the blonde focuses on getting every answer she can out of the doctors about what Chloe will need once they all get home.

                They’re all so busy worrying and being fussed over, that they don’t really talk about what happened until the last night in the hospital. A silly argument brings it up, Beca and Aubrey fighting over who will drive them home, and who will sit in the backseat with Chloe and Brooke, each insisting they’re driving. Chloe had tried suggesting they both sit up front, but they both are insistent that someone needs to be in the backseat to help if needed.

                “Okay, if you two don’t quit sniping like we’re back in a Bellas practice, I’ll take a cab home and neither of you will sit next to me” Chloe eventually snaps when she gets tired of the arguing. “Now what’s this all about? Because you’re each insisting the other be closer to me, which I don’t mind because I love being around both of you, but you’re both being weird about it and I know there has to be a reason why.”

                There’s just enough snap in her voice to silence her soulmates, who both look at her sheepishly when they realize what they’ve been doing. They’d been so focused on making sure no one felt left out or unimportant that they hadn’t realized how close to fighting they were, or how it would sound to Chloe.

                “Sorry” Aubrey finally says quietly, sharing a sheepish look with Beca, who knows she isn’t innocent either.

                “Yeah, sorry Chloe” Beca echoes, crossing to Aubrey’s side to hug her soulmate in apology.

                “This has something to do with what happened during the delivery, doesn’t it?” Chloe asks as she looks at them, obviously reading the answer in their faces without needing their reluctant nods. “You two want to tell me what happened?” she pushes when neither speaks up.

                Beca looks at Aubrey for a second, not sure how to start. “We thought we’d lost you” Beca says, for lack of a better starting point.

                “When they gave you one of the updates?” Chloe asks in confusion.

                “No…when the colors started fading” Beca says quietly, hand finding Aubrey’s for the comfort of a physical connection as the words bring back the emotions of that moment. She sees the words register with Chloe, knows the exact moment the meaning behind them hits her.

                “You thought you’d lost me” Chloe repeats in a small voice, and Beca and Aubrey move as one to her side when they hear the pain in their soulmate’s voice.

                “But we didn’t” Aubrey says, leaning down to kiss Chloe’s forehead as Beca holds her hand. “We just had to face some possibilities we didn’t like, and had some things come up that we probably should have dealt with before this.”

                “Hey, don’t start blaming yourself over there” Beca jumps in, hearing a tone in Aubrey’s voice that warns her that the blonde is about to start doing just that. “It was an emotional situation, and none of us could have known I’d feel like I did. I didn’t even know.”

                “Feel like what?” Chloe asks as Beca stares into Aubrey’s eyes, trying to convince her soulmate that there’s no reason to blame herself.

                “Before everything with the colors, Beca felt like it should have been her at risk, that because it’d been you and I once before, it’d be easier to lose her” Aubrey says in a rush, knowing Chloe will have the same reaction she’d had, and hurrying to finish when Chloe opens her mouth to speak. “I already told her it wouldn’t be, don’t worry. It was the emotions of the moment, we talked about it, and we both know we all love each other equally.”

                “I know you both love me, I promise Chloe” Beca jumps in, hoping to help reassure their soulmate. “I already told Aubrey, I don’t’ know where the feeling came from, and I don’t feel it anymore.” She can see Chloe struggling with her own emotions, and hates that after everything she’s been through she now has to deal with Beca’s emotional insecurities as well.

                “When I’m fully healed, I’m kicking your ass, Beca Mitchell” she finally says, earning a short laugh from Beca and a slightly scandalized gasp from Aubrey.

                “Chloe, our daughter is in the room!” the blonde exclaims, looking over at where Brooke is asleep as if expecting the infant to be spouting curse words as she dreams.

                “With Beca as her mother, I think that’s a lost cause” Chloe shrugs, and Beca’s glad they can still joke, though she knows her soulmates well enough to know the serious conversation isn’t over yet.

                “I’ll try to keep ‘fuck’ out of her vocabulary until she’s at least five” she says, smirking a little as Aubrey winces. “She’s a week old, Bree. She doesn’t understand what we’re saying” Beca says as Chloe laughs at them both.

                “That doesn’t mean we can’t start trying to watch what we say now” Aubrey says pointedly, and Beca can already tell this will be a recurring conversation at least until Brooke is talking, and probably after. “Maybe I will sit in the back with Chloe, that way I can cover Brooke’s ears when you start cursing at traffic.” And just like that they’re back to the serious discussion, and Beca can see that the other two realize that as well.

                “So if you talked and everything is okay, why are you two pushing each other at me?” Chloe asks, looking between them as they each try to put their reasoning into words.

                “I promised Beca I’d prove to her that she’s just as important to this relationship as we are, and letting her be close to you two seemed like a good place to start” Aubrey says as Chloe smiles.

                “And since I know I’m an equal part of this relationship, I didn’t want a stupid moment of emotional insecurity to be the only reason Aubrey wanted to drive. I was just trying to prove she doesn’t need to worry so much.” Though Chloe doesn’t stop smiling, she does roll her eyes as Beca explains, squeezing the brunette’s hand. “Okay, she gets a smile and I get an eye roll? Maybe I do know why I felt insecure” Beca jokes, returning the squeeze and leaning into Aubrey’s shoulder so they know she doesn’t mean it.

                “Oh Becs, if I didn’t roll my eyes at you, how would you know I love you?” Chloe asks with a laugh, using her hold on Beca’s hand to pull her down for a kiss.

                “Good point” Beca whispers against her soulmate’s lips between light kisses. She and Aubrey have been trying to take it easy with the more physical displays of affection while Chloe was recovering, but after the emotional conversation they’ve barely gotten through, Beca can tell her soulmate isn’t going to be okay with that anymore. The redhead just pulls her closer as she tries to keep the kisses light, and Beca eventually just gives in, carefully bracing herself to avoid putting any weight on Chloe even as she loses herself in the sensation of the redhead’s lips on her own.

                They only break apart when Brooke starts fussing, and Beca realizes she has no idea how much time has passed while they were lost in the kiss. Judging by the look on Chloe’s face, neither does her soulmate, and both are a little disoriented at being pulled back to reality so abruptly. As Beca looks over towards where their daughter had been sleeping, she meets Aubrey’s eyes as the blonde smirks at them both.

                “Now who do you think is feeling left out?” Aubrey says as Beca and Chloe exchange sheepish glances.

                “Sorry Bree” Chloe says with the smile she knows will get her anything.

                “Well the consolation price is just as good, so you’re both forgiven for now” Aubrey says as she smiles back, picking up Brooke and slowly rocking to comfort her.

                “Did you just call our daughter a consolation prize?” Chloe asks with a surprised laugh.

                “Nope, I meant watching you two” Aubrey says, smirk returning, and even after seven years with them, Beca feels herself start to blush.

                “And you get mad at me for saying ‘fuck’ with Brooke in the room” she says with a shake of her head, trying to hid her embarrassment.

                “I wasn’t holding her while watching you!” Aubrey defends as she looks down at their sleeping daughter.

                “Oh come on guys, we’ll probably accidentally scar her a few times before she starts kindergarten, that’s why you two have jobs where you make enough to pay for really great therapy. Don’t worry so much about it when she can’t even talk yet” Chloe says with a laugh, reaching her arms out for Brooke. “Now give her here so you two can kiss and make up, and nicely decide who is sitting where, before I decide for you and end up being the bad guy.”

                Aubrey looks like she wants to protest, looking down at their sleeping daughter for a moment before gently kissing her head and walking to Chloe’s side. “I’m drawing up schedules for who gets to hold her if you don’t quit taking her from me every time I have her” she says as she passes the baby carefully over.

                “Because you somehow think I wouldn’t ignore them anyway?” Chloe asks as she shifts her hold on Brooke so she can pull Aubrey down for a quick kiss. “I’m serious though, kiss and make up so we don’t have problems trying to get home tomorrow” she says when the kiss ends, gently pushing Aubrey towards where Beca is standing smiling at them both.

                “Just for that, I don’t think I’m going to kiss her” Beca teases, pulling Aubrey in for a hug as Chloe pouts. “Keep that up and I’ll think you just want a show” Beca laughs, wincing in pretend pain as Aubrey smacks her arm for that one.

                “Baby in the room, you two!” Aubrey says firmly. “And this isn’t even close to a private setting” she adds, waving a hand at the open door behind her. Beca gives Chloe a glance at that, and can tell from the look on her soulmate’s face that the same thought has occurred to both of them. So with a quick wink in Chloe’s direction, Beca leans up and kisses Aubrey, only gradually deepening the kiss to keep the blonde from noticing how passionate it’s gotten and pulling away.

                By the time Beca pulls back for air, Aubrey is so lost in the kiss that she leans down to continue it, only realizing what’s happened when Chloe giggles, opening her eyes to see the smirk on Beca’s face. “I hate you both” she says with a blush, stepping back from Beca as she visibly tries to calm herself.

                “Oh, no you don’t” Chloe says from the bed, amused by her soulmate’s predictable reaction.

                “You know what, I’m going to drive tomorrow, that way I don’t have to sit next to either one of you” Aubrey says, pointing between the two with a stern look on her face.

                “Okay” Beca agrees instantly, still smirking at her soulmate.

                “Wait, what?” Aubrey asks, looking at Beca in confusion as Chloe laughs again.

                “I said okay, I’ll sit in the back with Chloe while you drive” she explains, trying not to join Chloe in laughing at the look on Aubrey’s face.

                “Thirty minutes ago you were insisting you were going to drive” Aubrey says, obviously thrown by the seemingly abrupt turnaround.

                “Because I didn’t want your only reason to be a self-sacrificing gesture to prove what I already know” Beca says honestly, before smirking and continuing. “But if you hate us both that much, then I’ll gladly take the extra time next to Chloe and Brooke.”

                “I take it back, if you’re going to be smug about it” Aubrey tries, but Beca and Chloe both shake their heads.

                “Nope, you made the decision, we’re not fighting over it again” Chloe says with a smile, just enough edge in her voice to convince Aubrey she’s serious.

                After that, they settle back into packing the various personal items that have collected in the hospital room over the past week, easy teasing flowing between all three of them as they try to pretend everything is back to normal. They all know they’ll have to deal with what’s happened eventually, but for now it’s easy to push it all to the back of their minds.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're home from the hospital, settling in to a new routine and life. But the events of the delivery haven't gone away.

                Being home is less hectic than the hospital had been, with the constant nurse’s checks and traffic outside the room, but they’re still busy enough adjusting to life with an infant to keep distracted for a few days. Aubrey and Beca had each already planned to take a month off of work, and they’re glad for the foresight as they adjust to new sleeping arrangements and schedules.

                Aubrey had insisted that with three of them in one bed it was too much of a risk to have Brooke in with them, and that in the long run it would be easier on all of them to have their daughter used to sleeping in her own bed, points Chloe eventually reluctantly agrees to.

                And Beca and Aubrey agree that Chloe needs peaceful nights, so they set up a crib in the guest room and alternate nights, one with Chloe and one in the room with Brooke for when she wakes up at night. It isn’t perfect, now that they’re back in their own home it’s strange not curling up all together, but it’s the best they can come up with.

                Switching back and forth doesn’t help much with adjusting to new routines, but all three refuse to even consider having Beca or Aubrey in the guest room every night. They’ve avoided bringing up the insecurities that had hit the brunette, but they haven’t forgotten, and every decision they make is careful to include all three of them, even to the point of near ridiculousness like who will run to the store for more baby wipes or whose favorite meal they’ll have for dinner.

                Any other time it would be annoying and probably put Beca in a fighting mood, but she still feels guilty knowing her insecurities have brought it on, so she manages to keep her patience when the bickering gets to be too much. She even thinks it’s sweet the way her soulmates go out of their way to keep her involved.

                After a week or so being home, they’ve mostly settled into a rhythm, and Beca starts to watch for any sign that the events of the delivery are coming back up, for any of them. She’s woken from nightmares often enough, particularly on her nights in with Brooke, that she knows eventually it will hit them. When she’s in with Brooke the baby is what usually wakes her, thankfully before the dreams get too intense, and when she’s in with Chloe she knows she doesn’t sleep deeply enough to truly dream, too afraid she’ll miss a sound from her still recovering soulmate.

                But now Chloe is now back to nearly full health, though still tiring easily, and Beca can tell she’s started to sleep deeper on her nights in their bed when she starts waking up from nightmares again, though she does manage to keep from jostling Chloe out of her much needed rest. She’s thought about talking the nightmares over with her soulmates, but she doesn’t want to worry them. Besides, it’s not like she can’t handle a few bad dreams, especially when she wakes up before they get bad.

                As Chloe continues to recover, they decide to try all three of them in one room again, trusting the baby monitor to wake them when Brooke cries. They hadn’t wanted to disturb Chloe’s sleep while she needed it so badly, but now that she’s getting back to normal they agree being together will help more than uninterrupted sleep will.

                And so it seems, all three settling into solid sleep as their bodies react to the familiarity of having both soulmates next to them. It’s not until Beca sits up in panic trying to hold back a scream that she realizes deep sleep isn’t always a blessing.

                Images from the nightmare cling to her, everything in black and white as if taunting her with what she’d lost, everything but the piercing blue of Chloe’s eyes and the frighteningly vibrant red of the blood pooling around her There had been no sign of Aubrey or Brooke, but the total lack of color in her surroundings had seemed to mock her, suggesting with their very presence the lack of everything good Beca has built since meeting her soulmates. Without the colors she’s come to embrace and see as an essential part of her life, everything had seemed cold and empty, devoid of the happiness she’s found and reminder her how much buried pain she’d carried back then, multiplying the pain of seeing Chloe so still and lifeless.

                Even now that she’s awake and can see Chloe sleeping next to her, the pain of the dream won’t fully leave her, the darkness of the room painting everything gray, as if she’s still trapped in the nightmare. It has her caught, to the point it takes her a moment to notice the look on Aubrey’s face isn’t one of sleeping peace, and another to realize her soulmate must be caught in a nightmare of her own.

                Once she realizes that, she’s carefully leaning over Chloe, who seems to still be sleeping peacefully, trying to gently shake Aubrey awake without jostling the redhead. She manages, but winces a little when the blonde jolts upright just as she had, shaking the bed and making Beca split her attention, trying to make sure they don’t wake Chloe.

                “It’s just a dream” she whispers softly as she rests her hand on Aubrey’s shoulder, looking down at their sleeping partner to make sure they aren’t disturbing her. “It’s just a dream, we’re all okay.” If Beca were to be honest with herself, she’d have to admit she isn’t sure whether she’s trying to calm Aubrey or herself as she keeps repeating the reassurances, knowing they’re helping to focus her just as much as they are her soulmate.

                She eventually sees Aubrey’s breathing slow, and carefully leans over where Chloe is still asleep to pull the blonde into a loose hug. “You want to tell me about it?” she whispers into Aubrey’s hair when her soulmate slowly responds, not surprised when the only response is a shake of her head While she knows they need to talk about it, the thought of actually putting the nightmare into words is almost too much for her to even consider. For now they can focus on the cause, rather than the specifics of their individual nightmares.

                “Okay” Beca responds after another minute of silence as she feels Aubrey continue to slowly relax. “But we still need to talk, and if we talk here we’ll wake Chloe. Why don’t you check on Brooke while I fix us something to drink?”

                “It’s only a deal if it’s something stronger than tea” Aubrey says with a quiet laugh, and Beca is glad that her soulmate has recovered enough to joke, even half-heartedly.

                “You got it” she says with a smile in return, placing a light kiss on Aubrey’s forehead before carefully sliding out of bed, the emotions of the night overcoming the reluctance she still feigns towards overly romantic gestures. They both turn as Chloe stretches in bed once they’re standing, but the redhead just rolls over in her sleep, burying her head in a pillow with a sigh. “Meet you in the kitchen in five” Beca says, even though she knows it will probably be at least ten minutes before Aubrey can tear herself away from the calming innocence of their daughter. It’s okay though, that gives her enough extra time to make actual hot chocolate, rather than the instant mix Aubrey hates. She’s just finished splashing some peppermint schnapps into their glasses when Aubrey appears in the doorway, looking a lot more relaxed after checking on Brooke, and Beca wonders if her soulmate’s nightmare had been about more than just Chloe. “Here you go” is all she say, handing Aubrey her mug and smiling at the look of enjoyment on the blonde’s face as she takes the first sip. Maybe if they get comfortable enough with hot chocolate and each other’s presence, the conversation won’t be that bad.

                “You want to tell me about it now?” she asks when they’ve each finished about half of their drinks, the schnapps adding just enough kick to help them unwind without dulling their thoughts.

                “Not really” Aubrey says, looking down into her mug and avoiding Beca’s eyes. “I really just want to forget about it” she eventually continues when Beca waits to see if she’ll start opening up.

                “I do too” Beca admits as she reaches out to place her hand on Aubrey’s arm, wondering when in the last seven years they’d managed to turn her into the woman she is now, the woman not only having but starting an emotional conversation like this. “But obviously that’s not working out so well for us, so we should probably work on that before it really causes problems.”

                Aubrey is meeting her eyes now, and Beca can read the reluctant agreement in the blonde’s eyes. “We almost lost Chloe” she says eventually, obviously fighting to get each word out. “We nearly lost both of them. And now every time I close my eyes, I’m afraid that when I open them everything will be back to half color, that the past two weeks will have just been a dream my brain came up with to avoid reality.”

                Beca isn’t surprised to hear Aubrey feels that way, that’s about how she’s felt as well. “I know what you mean” she says, taking a large gulp of her hot chocolate as Aubrey smiles wryly, waiting for her to continue. “I know it isn’t a dream, but it feels like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, like there’s no way we came that close to losing them, and then get to walk away without anything else going wrong.” And now Aubrey is nodding, and Beca starts to wonder why they didn’t just talk about this sooner, tried to see if facing their fears might have helped.

                “Have you been having nightmares every night?” Aubrey asks quietly, shifting her arm so she can hold Beca’s hand. And Beca can tell she already knows the answer, can tell Aubrey definitely has too, so she nods without hesitation, not even trying to pretend otherwise. She may have hidden the nightmares from her soulmates to avoid worrying the, but the time for that has obviously passed and probably hadn’t been there to begin with.

                “Mostly when I was in the guest room” she explains. “I slept deeper in there, not worried about bumping Chloe in the night and accidentally hurting her, or missing something happening in her sleep. Brooke wakes up regularly enough that I didn’t have to worry too much, but spaced just far enough apart for me to hit that deeper dream sleep and have one start up before she’d wake me.”

                “Why didn’t you say anything?” Aubrey asks, squeezing Beca’s hand tightly as she takes in what her soulmate had said.  
                “Why didn’t you?” Beca fires back, careful to keep any trace of accusation out of her voice that might slip in due to lack of sleep. “I know this can’t be the first nightmare you’ve had, so I’m guessing we both had the same reason for not mentioning them, we both think we can handle things on our own when they get tough.”

                Aubrey nods guiltily in agreement at that. “We really should know better by now” she adds when Beca finishes, managing to coax a small smile out of the brunette.

                “Obviously some things never change” Beca says, before turning back to the serious talk they need to have. “It was worse tonight” she admits hesitantly, not wanting Aubrey to think she’s somehow blaming the decision to move all of them to one bed. But Aubrey just nods in agreement.

                “I think we let ourselves relax, without actually having dealt with anything, so it hit us harder than it had been.” Beca doesn’t hate when Aubrey’s points make sense anymore, but she still wishes this wasn’t one of those time.

                “I hate that we have to deal with it” she admits, knowing Aubrey probably agrees. “It could have happened, it almost happened, but it _didn’t_. Why do we have to deal with something that didn’t even happen?” She knows she’s whining a little, but it’s ridiculously late at night and she’s stuck dealing with emotional issues instead of curled up with her soulmates grabbing what sleep she can between feedings. She figures she’s earned the right to whine a little.

                Apparently Aubrey doesn’t agree, because even after midnight her glare is enough to make Beca flinch back a little. “We almost lost her” Aubrey sharply points out again. “We came so close to losing part of who we are, literally losing a third of our soul.”

                “Whoa, chill Aubrey, I know” Beca says, cutting the blonde off before she can build up steam. “I was there too; I know how close we came. I’m just saying I hate that it’s still hanging over us like this, when everything is okay and we should be happy, busy doting on our soulmate and daughter. I’m saying I would rather be curled up next to you two, next to the women I love, well aware of how close we came to losing her and profoundly thankful we didn’t. I would rather be there than sitting in the kitchen dealing with emotional trauma from being trapped in a waiting room and watching the life drain out of our souls.” Apparently cutting Aubrey off had only served to build up her own steam, because Beca can only stop when the lump in her throat physically stops her, tears flowing freely as she remembers both the nightmare and the horror of that waiting room.

                She can tell Aubrey is crying too, both of them finally letting go for the first time since the colors came back, and thinks maybe this is what they’ve needed. To let themselves feel the entirety of what they’d gone through, rather than trying to push it down.

                “I didn’t mean to snap at you” Aubrey eventually apologizes quietly, once they’ve both calmed some. “I know you aren’t making light of what happened, I just wasn’t ready for a joke, once we actually started talking about it.”

                “I wasn’t joking” Beca says in return. “I was more whining and wishing long term avoidance actually solved things, because it really isn’t fair that we’re going through so much over a ‘what if’ that didn’t happen.”

                “You know, if you two keep leaving me out of these late night hot chocolate talks, I might start feeling abandoned” Chloe says from the doorway where she stands holding Brooke, startling her soulmates from where they’d been focused on each other.

                “We didn’t want to wake you” Beca explains as she jumps up and crosses to Chloe’s side, reaching out her hands to take Brooke. “And we must have forgotten to grab the monitor, did she wake you?”

                “If you try to take my baby, we’re going to have problems” Chloe says sweetly as Beca nears her, and Beca instantly pulls her hands back. “And no, she didn’t wake me, I grabbed her when I woke up and you were both gone.”

                “We didn’t want to wake you” Beca says again, this time with a wince. Chloe isn’t accusing them, but there’s still a note of pain in her voice that Beca doesn’t know what put there and doesn’t like, especially when she sees how Chloe is visibly clutching Brooke like a lifeline. She focuses on helping Chloe get settled at the table before turning to start a mug of hot chocolate for her, smiling a little when Chloe pouts as she puts the alcohol away.

                “So why are you two up?” Chloe asks when Beca hands over her hot chocolate, spiked with marshmallows instead of alcohol. “It’s a special hot chocolate night, so I know it’s serious. And you left me out, so either it’s about me, you didn’t want to worry me because you’re both still in overprotective mode, or you’re both leaving me. And if it’s the third, be warned that I won’t hesitate to call Lilly for help hiding your bodies.”

                “It’s not the third” Beca rushes to reassure her, knowing she would do exactly that, and that Lilly would definitely help. Hell, all of the old Bellas would probably help, or provide alibis. “It’s never going to be the third, you know that. It’s well, it’s a mix of the first two” she admits, looking at Aubrey for support.

                “Not in a bad way about you” Aubrey clarifies, reaching out so all three are holding hands with the others, Beca resting her hand on Chloe’s arm where she’s holding Brooke rather than actually holding her hand. “We just know you need your sleep, and didn’t want to disturb you.”

                “What I need is to know that my soulmates aren’t going to shut me out of situations that involve all three of us” Chloe says quietly, no anger in her voice as she makes her point. “I can catch up on sleep another time, but I can’t catch up on times like these, on being there when you two need me. I know you’re both trying to protect me, but I don’t need shut out from your pain to be protected.” Even spoken quietly and without accusation, the words hit home, and Beca knows Chloe is right. She and Aubrey can talk all they want, deal with what they’ve gone through, but they can’t actually move past it without Chloe. They’re all connected, all went through a lot, and all need to move past it together.

                “We didn’t mean to leave you out” Beca says, seeing Aubrey nod next to her.

                “I know you didn’t. But you’re both so focused on making sure I’m okay that you forget I want to make sure you’re okay too. You’ve both taken on so much, you barely leave me anything to do, and you’re running yourselves into the ground trying to do it all. Aubrey, I know that’s how you work, but I haven’t let you get away with it for years, so I’m not going to start now. And Beca, you’ve been helping me keep Aubrey from working to death that entire time, so you should know I’m not going to just let you take her place. Now, what happened tonight?”

                “We’ve both been having nightmares” Beca starts slowly, feeling Aubrey squeeze her hand reassuringly as she does. “We don’t really want to do the whole specifics thing, but they were worse tonight for both of us, so we sort of decided we needed to deal with them instead of pretending they weren’t happening.”

                “And you were right, we didn’t think about what leaving you out would mean, and we should have” Aubrey adds, sounding close to tears again as she does. “What we went through, and what we’re dealing with now, affects all of us and we all need to face it together.”

                “Yes we do” Chloe agrees, finishing the last of her hot chocolate before standing, looking at them expectantly. “But not at 2a.m. with no sleep, after two of us have resorted to alcoholic hot chocolate for comfort. So let’s put Brooke back to bed, and we can all talk about it in the morning when we wake up?” There really isn’t anything to do but agree, so Beca and Aubrey wordlessly follow Chloe down the hall, all needing the closeness of the others as they make sure Brooke settles comfortably back into her crib.

                They don’t wake up again that night, each apparently exhausted enough by the late night emotions to avoid dreams, or at least to sleep through the uneasy vague flashes Beca wakes up remembering.

                By unspoken agreement they avoid bringing it up until after breakfast, all three taking turns with Brooke through the morning. But when they put her down after morning feeding, all three know they can’t put it off any longer, and settle comfortably onto the couch in their usual positions, Beca and Aubrey at either end and Chloe lying between them. This time her head is in Beca’s lap and her legs stretched over Aubrey’s, and Beca wonders if the choice this time means anything. It’s been their comfort position for years, and the familiarity helps as they gather their individual thoughts.

                “I almost died” Chloe eventually starts, skipping any intro to ease them into the discussion. “I almost died, and you two almost lost me. Pretending it didn’t happen obviously isn’t working, and I don’t want to wake up from another nightmare alone in bed because you two think it will worry me less.”

                “Whoa, wait, you never told us you were having nightmares” Beca says, only staying still because she doesn’t want to jostle Chloe. “How can you yell at us for not telling you, when you didn’t tell us?” She isn’t mad or upset, and she runs her hand through Chloe’s hair softly to make sure the redhead knows that, but she is worried.

                “You two had enough to worry about” Chloe says with a shrug. “And I’d wake up next to one of you, and it was all okay. Telling you would just make you worry more, and there wasn’t any reason to do that.” Beca looks at Aubrey at that, silently discussing who will address that one.

                “There’s the same reason you told us last night” Aubrey points out quietly. “We can’t leave each other out of problems that affect all of us, because that doesn’t protect any of us, just creates divisions that shouldn’t be there. We all went through this, each in our own ways to be sure, but it was still all of us going through it together. And it still is.” Beca is glad she’d let Aubrey talk, because there’s no way she’d have been able to get her point across that well.

                “If we don’t get to hide from you, then you don’t get to hide from us” she  adds, feeling like that sums up the point about as well as she’ll be able to. She’s come a long way when it comes to willingly opening up to her soulmates about her feelings, but sometimes she’s still not sure how to put those emotions into words.

                “I wasn’t hiding” Chloe says a little defensively. “I was coping, and I was okay.”

                “Mm, no, I’m going to have to call bull shit on that one” Beca says, ignoring the look Aubrey sends her for the curse, since it’s not like Brooke can hear them from all the way down the hall. “I know avoidance when I see it, I’m very well acquainted with the concept, as you may remember. And it’s not the same as coping, and definitely not the same as being okay.”

                “Okay, let’s not argue” Aubrey jumps in when she sees Chloe start to respond. “Whether or not we were coping or hiding or anything else, we weren’t actually dealing with anything, and obviously that isn’t working anymore. If we’re all having nightmares, then we all obviously still have things to deal with. Yes, we almost lost Chloe. Even saying it hurts, but pretending it didn’t happen is apparently hurting more.”

                “So what do we do, walk around in all black?” Beca says sarcastically, defaulting to a flippant comment when the flare of pain from Aubrey’s words hits her.

                “Beca, I love you, and I know you get sarcastic instead of dealing with your feelings when they surprise you, but that isn’t helping” Aubrey says with obviously forced patience. She continues when Beca sends her an apologetic look, softening at the genuine remorse in Beca’s eyes. “To answer the valid if unnecessarily sarcastic question, we talk about it. We don’t hide from it, and we don’t hide from each other. If we’re hurting we say, if we wake up from a nightmare we wake the others, we do it all together. And if that doesn’t help, then we find someone who can help.”

                “Like you could get Beca to a therapist” Chloe says with a laugh, smiling up at the brunette so she knows she’s teasing. “She barely tells us what she’s feeling, have a complete stranger ask her and she’ll bolt faster than if you suggested she produce Bieber’s comeback album.”

                “Make a joke like that again and I’ll bolt from this couch” Beca warns, knowing Chloe had felt the unconscious shudder at the words, and knowing that despite Aubrey not being ready to joke, Chloe needs the lighthearted comments to keep her balance. It’s a dance they’ve perfected over the years, one of the ways Beca knows she contributes something to the relationship where the others can’t, offering the balance point between their needs. True, it’s never been as serious a situation as it is now, but the balance is holding, Aubrey watching them with a small smile while resting a grounding hand on Chloe’s knee. “But if it’s what needs to happen, then I’m not going to say no just because I like my privacy and find strangers problematic” Beca says when the moment passes, making sure they both know she means it. “If talking to you guys is enough to fix this, then I’m good with that, but I’m not going to let my hang-ups make this harder on us.”

                “Okay, no, we’re not broken” Chloe says abruptly, looking between Beca and Aubrey with sudden seriousness. “We’re all hurting, and we all have things to come to terms with, but we’re not broken. There’s nothing to fix, no series of steps to follow that will put us back to where we were before. Because we aren’t who we were before, we’re mothers now, and that’s going to change things and add challenges as we go through this. If we got into everything thinking we need fixed, it’s not going to work, and we’re going to end up creating problems for ourselves with how we interact with our daughter. We’re _not_ broken, we’re hurt and recovering, and we’re growing.”

                Beca and Aubrey sit silently for a minute staring at Chloe, not having expected the sudden passion and determination in her voice. “Okay, not fix it then” Beca eventually corrects herself. “If being that open with you two will help us grow past this, then I’m all for it. I don’t have any secrets from you two, not after this long. So if you notice me holding back, call me on it, because I swear it isn’t on purpose.”

                “When has she ever let you hold back?” Aubrey says logically, smiling at Beca from her end of the couch. “Don’t worry Beca, we both know  you, and neither one of us is going to hesitate to make sure you’re okay.”

                “We’re all going to make sure we’re all okay” Chloe adds. “Starting with a nap before Brooke wakes up, you two look as exhausted as I feel.”

                “Glad to know we’ve still got it” Beca mock grumbles as Chloe stands, smiling at her soulmates as she follows them down the hall for some much needed, and hopefully now more peaceful, hours of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anyone calls me on it, yes this chapter deals mostly with what Aubrey and Beca went through and how they're dealing with it, rather than what Chloe is dealing with. I have another chapter currently at about a thousand words from the following days, and we see things from Chloe's perspective as they continue to deal with what's happened. I wanted to fit it into this chapter, but it seemed forced without scrapping 4.5k words and starting over. But yes, I'm definitely going to cover Chloe dealing with nearly dying, she isn't just magically okay and that's it.


	4. Chapter 4

                Talking and being open with each other seems to help at first, though Chloe can tell Beca feels awkward and like a terrible person the first time she wakes her soulmates up after a bad dream. Chloe thinks the brunette probably would have let them sleep, but between the decisions in their earlier conversations and the lingering remnants of the nightmare the need for comfort clearly won over the inclination to let them sleep.

                So Chloe makes sure Beca knows she doesn’t mind, carefully rolling over the brunette and settling her between herself and a still half asleep Aubrey before cuddling close into her side. “You want to talk about it this time?” Chloe asks once they all three settle into the new arrangement, not surprised when Beca shakes her head. “Gonna talk about it anyway?” she asks after a beat, smiling when Beca lets out a surprised laugh. It’s small, and definitely shocked out of her, but it’s still a laugh so Chloe will take the victory.

                “I don’t know if I can” Beca admits quietly, and Chloe can feel Aubrey’s arms tighten around their younger soulmate as she tries to move even closer. “Actually putting it into words makes it seem real, and I’m not sure I can deal with that.”

                “Well maybe facing it will help you move past it” Chloe says, raising her head a little to look at Beca. “And Aubrey and I are right here, so obviously it isn’t real, and we can keep you grounded.” She can feel Beca hesitate, and wishes she knew how to help. She thinks that talking about it will help, but she isn’t sure enough to push Beca to open up.

                “Not in the dark” Beca says after thinking it over, moving to get up before Aubrey stops her, pressing a light kiss to her lips before getting up instead.

                “I’ve got it” she says softly, turning on the small lamp on the dresser and looking to see if the soft glow is enough for Beca. When the brunette shakes her head, Aubrey nods and flips the main light on, rejoining the two on the bed as they blink in the brightness.

                “Sorry” Beca says as they settle back into each other. “I just needed everything to not be gray if I was going to do this.” Chloe can hear Aubrey’s gasp of understanding, and is surprised at how she feels left out by it. Aubrey obviously knows exactly what Beca is talking about, and Chloe is left unable to imagine, unable to remember back clearly enough to half colors and grays to connect to their experience. It’s a bond they now share that she doesn’t, and somehow that bothers her.

                Not that she’d ever want to go through what they had, or have either of them go through what she had, but on some level she feels almost like an outsider to their pain. Still, this is Beca’s night and it’s obviously hard enough for her so Chloe doesn’t say anything, just lays her head over Beca’s heart so she can hear the soothing rhythm of its beat. It becomes her touchstone to reality as Beca starts talking, the imagery of the nightmare hitting her almost as hard as it obviously hits Beca, the brunette audibly struggling to get the words out the further into retelling the dream she gets.

                Chloe is glad Aubrey takes the lead on comforting Beca once she’s done with the retelling, she can’t seem to focus well enough to find words, and she’s sure the physical contact between her and Beca is more for her sake than her soulmate’s. But talking about things seems to have helped her soulmate, so Chloe doesn’t want to say anything to make her regret opening up. Tonight was about helping Beca, and Chloe is determined she can just deal with it for now. She’ll talk to them about what she’s feeling later, she promises herself. She’s not hiding from them, just waiting for the right time she rationalizes.

                Her rationalizations do nothing to stop the nightmares of her own once the lights are out and they’ve all fallen back to sleep, the vivid imagery of Beca’s descriptions blending with the horrors her own mind had already dreamt up. She’s trapped in her own body staring out at a crying Beca and Aubrey, feeling warmth spread along her chest and legs as she feels her heart slow, unable to move to comfort her soulmates or even look away.

                And if Chloe hadn’t been able to remember how the world had looked in grays, obviously her subconscious has no such limitations, because there isn’t a single spark of color in her soulmates, each of them gray in a way she’s never seen them as they cling to each other, neither making a move towards her. And even as her hearth breaks at the clear anguish on their faces, she can’t help but wonder why they won’t reach out for her, why they’re so far away as she feels herself fading into a lonely blackness.

                When Chloe wakes up she’s barely able to keep still, a practice she’d learned quickly in the hospital when waking up with a start pulled stitches and brought nothing but pain. It had helped her after they were all home as well, keeping her from waking her soulmates every night and interrupting their already scarce sleep. It’s harder to keep still this time, after the loneliness of the nightmare she wakes up aching to reach out for them, but even half asleep and still locked into the emotions of the dream she manages to keep from disturbing the pair next to her.

                As she looks at them where they’re still sleeping next to her she debates waking them, but something about the way they’re wrapped around each other holds her back. They’re obviously drawing comfort from one another even in sleep, and after the events of the dream it makes Chloe feel like they’re somehow leaving her out. A small part of her mind tries to point out that she’d been just as wrapped into Beca’s side when she’d fallen asleep and likely had only shifted away during the nightmare, but the pounding of hurt in her ears is too loud, pushing the rational thought out of her head before it can truly register.

                She doesn’t sleep again that night, only stays in bed because she knows moving will wake the other two, and they need their rest. As soon as they start to stir in the morning light she’s up, kissing each of them lightly before sliding out of bed and heading for Brooke’s room.

                They’ve moved the crib from the guest room now that there isn’t a need for one of them to be in with her all night, and Chloe stops in the doorway to smile at the soft shades decorating the room. Even if their daughter can’t see them, their presence is soothing as Chloe takes them in, even before she walks to the side of the crib and looks down at her still sleeping daughter. She can’t bring herself to disturb that sleep either, but it’s enough for her just looking down and being thankful nothing had happened to her child during the delivery.

                She isn’t sure how long she stands there, but apparently it’s long enough for her soulmates to notice, because after a while Aubrey comes looking for her, making her jump when the blonde wraps warm arms around her, leaning into her back and resting her chin softly on her shoulder. “We missed you when we got up” Aubrey whispers as they stand watching their sleeping daughter, and Chloe fights to stay relaxed when she hears the words. She knows they’re the truth, but she still hasn’t shaken the emotions from the nightmare.

                “I just needed to see her after last night” Chloe half explains, hoping Aubrey will accept her leaving it at that and assume she’s talking about Beca’s nightmare.

                “Everything okay?” Aubrey asks, concern clear in her voice, and Chloe thinks she really should have known her soulmate would worry even without her saying anything. She almost admits that she isn’t, almost blurts out how she’s feeling right there in the middle of Brooke’s room, but their daughter chooses that moment to shift in her sleep, face scrunching in displeasure, and Chloe’s attention immediately shifts. She’s still not hiding from her soulmates; she’ll tell them both when she finds a good time, she just needs to take care of their child right now.

                So “Yeah, I’m okay” is all she says, carefully leaning down with Aubrey’s arms still loosely around her waist to pick up Brooke before she can start to cry. And she isn’t lying, not at all. She is okay, in this moment in time she’s fine. The emotions of the nightmare are being pushed away by Aubrey’s closeness and the weight of Brooke in her arms, and she can turn around to face Aubrey with a genuine smile. “Now tell me you didn’t leave Beca to make breakfast on her own, I don’t feel like bandaging any burns today” she adds teasingly, seeing Aubrey relax as she jokes.

                “She’s pouring cereal for us all, don’t worry” Aubrey says with a laugh. Beca may have managed to master a few pasta dishes over the years, but anything more complicated is still a toss-up if one of them isn’t right there with her. “Now why don’t we get Brooke here changed and fed so we can join her?”

                “I can take care of it” Chloe says, still keeping the smile on her face even though there’d been a flash of not quite panic when she’d thought Aubrey was going to reach out and take Brooke from her arms. She needs the grounding weight of their daughter right now to keep herself steady, and if Aubrey takes her Chloe knows she’ll be lost to the sudden rush of emotions she’s pushing down through sheer force of will.

                Thankfully Aubrey doesn’t seem to notice, though she does give Chloe a quick look before nodding and placing a kiss on her cheek. “We’ll be in the dining room with your food when you’re done” she says as she leaves, throwing a smile over her shoulder.

                The smile stays on Chloe’s face until Aubrey’s footsteps fade, then drops as Chloe takes a few calming breaths, staring down into Brooke’s unfocused eyes as if the newborn can offer reassurance through a look. She can’t, but Chloe still finds comfort in her presence even as she begins to squirm. “Okay baby mine, let’s get you cleaned up” she says with a warm smile at her daughter. “Don’t worry, Mama’s got you. We’ll get you changed and dressed in one of the pretty outfits your Bella aunts brought you, then get you fed and join your other mommies, how’s that sound?” The sound of her voice seems to calm Brooke as she squirms when Chloe lays her on the changing table, and Chloe smiles again.

                There’s something about taking care of her daughter that soothes her as well, and Chloe keeps up a running commentary as Brooke eats, telling her all about the Bellas who have stayed close over the years, and about how much her mothers all love her, how happy they are to have her. She’s done this before, but today there’s almost a bittersweet note to the monologue as she talks about the three of them. She doesn’t realize it’s there at first, and when she does she stops midsentence, looking down at her daughter thoughtfully.

                “Your mommies all love you very much, baby mine. And we all love each other very much too. Mama’s just feeling a little sad today, so she’s going to keep you close, because you make your Mama so very happy. And even if Mama’s just being silly, she still loves holding you.” By the time Brooke finishes Chloe feels a little better, able to head out to the dining room without overthinking things too much.

                She gets a look from her soulmates when she settles at the table still holding Brooke, but when she sends a questioning look back their way they let it drop. Chloe almost brings up her nightmare a few times during the meal, but there never seems to be a good time to fit it in.

                Beca and Aubrey are already discussing going back to work and whether one or both of them should take more time off to stay home, and Chloe doesn’t want to worry them both into missing more work because of her. They’ve easily managed to build a solid savings account with all three working, but Chloe doesn’t want to add potential money issues to their stresses, especially because she’s already taking a full year off work for maternity leave and they won’t have her income to cover any surprise expenses. Not that they need it between what Beca and Aubrey bring home, but it’s been helpful in the past when they wanted to avoid using any of their savings.

                So despite knowing she needs to tell them how she’s feeling, Chloe can’t bring herself to open her mouth and start the conversation. Not when they’re already worried about her. If she tells them now, they’ll both probably race to quit their jobs, and then Chloe would be left feeling even worse about the situation. So she urges them both to head back to work, reassures them that she’ll be fine, that she’s almost back to full strength and Brooke is a very calm baby.

                “Save your time off for when she starts teething” she jokes, and she thinks that’s the final argument that convinces them, not that they give in quite that easily. Beca insists that she can take off a day a week to give Chloe a break without it being an issue, and Aubrey promises she can leave paperwork for her assistant to finish filling out and be home by three each afternoon. That leads to Beca teasing her about how they’ve been trying to get her to delegate to her assistant for years, so what makes her think this time will actually stick?

                And as Chloe watches them bicker the familiarity grounds her, even as her insecurities try to convince her they don’t need her here, that they’re interacting with each other on a level she isn’t part of and isn’t needed for. She’s able to push those thoughts down as she laughs at a particularly sharp exchange, but she’s quieter than she normally is, and she thinks it’s catching Beca and Aubrey’s attention. Beca even suggests a nap, probably picking up on the exhaustion Chloe is pretending she doesn’t feel, but between the fear of trying to sleep which risks another nightmare and the fact it would mean putting Brooke down, Chloe vetoes the idea.

                She thinks her soulmates notice, but she tries to cover the reluctance and fear by suggesting they spend the morning designing a playlist to play while Brooke sleeps, a suggestion Aubrey had made early on in Chloe’s pregnancy when she’d read a study claiming a proper musical background could lead to calmer and more successful children. Chloe and Beca hadn’t been completely sold on the reasoning, each for their own reasons, but they’re both more than willing to give Brooke every introduction to music they can.

                It’s Chloe’s suggestion that they alternate instrumental pieces with recording of themselves singing classical children’s songs, and her soulmates agree with only a little coaxing. The rest of the morning is almost like being back in a Bella’s planning session, though the presence of Brooke in Chloe’s arms or lying across her lap keeps things from getting as heated as they had back then.

                When it’s time for lunch Aubrey heads to the kitchen to prepare the meal, and Beca loads some of her old mixing software with a feigned sigh of reluctance. “Making mashups of kid music is so not helping my badass image you know” she complains, laughing when Aubrey yells about her language from the kitchen. “Oh come on, she’s three weeks old _and_ asleep Bree!” she calls back, and even though she’s trying to sound argumentative, Chloe knows Aubrey will hear the same edge of laughter that she does.

                “You’re being a wonderful and doting mother, Becs” Chloe reassures her softly when Aubrey doesn’t respond, obviously refusing to continue the discussion by yelling across the house. “I’m pretty sure that’s like maximum badass points right there.”

                “Well when you put it like that, it does make it sound better” Beca admits, setting aside her laptop for the moment in favor of moving to sit on the armrest of Chloe’s chair, leaning her weight onto the back and smiling down at their daughter. “Did she sleep through all of that?” she asks, unconsciously shifting to a whisper now that she’s next to the sleeping child.

                “Mostly” Chloe answers in a matching whisper, despite having been talking normally just minutes before. “She woke up a few times, but the singing usually put her right back out. I’ll go get her changed again in a minute, before Aubrey can finish up so you don’t have to wait on me.”

                “I can take her” Beca offers as she stands, and suddenly Chloe is again fighting to keep from visibly tensing. Even after hours of working and laughing with her soulmates she still can’t shake the feeling that they don’t need her anymore, that they’ve reached a point with each other where they still love her, but would be okay without her. And she still needs them, needs their love and presence in her life more than almost anything else, so the feeling cuts deep.

                Holding Brooke is the bandage she’s pressing to the wounds, the soothing balm keeping the pain from overwhelming her. And handing her to Beca would rip the bandage away, leave the nerves raw and weeping. “I’ve got her” Chloe manages to say with a smile. Beca frowns for a moment, then nods and smiles back. Chloe thinks it looks a bit stiff, but she’s too busy standing and hurrying down the hall to really think about it. It’s easier to focus on Brooke, on the way she fusses at the cold breeze when Chloe changers her, and the way she cuddles into her side seeking the comfort of her mother’s warmth when she picks her up. The soft innocence of her child is calming, just as it has been all afternoon, and Chloe takes a minute to breathe before heading back out to her soulmates.

                Lunch is quiet, none of them saying much, and Chloe wonders if they’ve notices how she’s feeling or if they’re just running out of ways to include her. She knows she’s acting strange, she still hasn’t put Brooke down despite the challenges holding her adds to eating the chicken and rice dish Aubrey had cooked, but they haven’t said anything to her.

                Ever since the random flash of panic when Beca had tried to take Brooke, Chloe has felt unsettled and almost unsure of her footing with the others, despite knowing it’s an overreaction. She knows she’s spiraling, but she can’t seem to stop the thoughts simmering in the back of her mind, even if holding Brooke is still keeping her from actively worrying about everything.

                Still, surely if they’ve noticed how she’s acting, they would have said something by now, right? They’d all promised only a few days ago that they wouldn’t let each other hide, and even if Chloe hadn’t intended to keep her emotions from her soulmates she knows she isn’t being as open as she should be. But if they haven’t noticed how she’s acting, even if she’s managed to pretend she’s feeling okay, then she isn’t sure bringing it up is even worth it. She’ll be fine, and they’re both going back to work in a week, which will give her plenty of time to sort things out on her own time.

                Beca wordlessly cleans up after the mostly silent meal, and Chloe mumbles a quick excuse before heading to the guest room, curling up on the double bed with Brooke next to her. She hadn’t wanted to sleep today, she’s still afraid that sleep will just bring nightmares, but she’s finding it hard to keep her eyes open now that she’s full and she hopes that curling up with her daughter will help keep any negativity from her dreams. She hears one or both of her soulmates in the doorway soon after she settles in, but pretends to be asleep rather than risk any questions that might lead to a conversation she knows she shouldn’t have when she’s this tired.

                Having Brooke next to her doesn’t entirely work, she still has flashes of fading colors and darkness swirling through her mind as she sleeps, but they’re incoherent and unfocused rather than clear and painful, so she manages to get a little rest once she finally manages to fall asleep.

                Brooke wakes her eventually, fussing hungrily and giving Chloe something to focus on other than her own mess of emotions. She thinks it’s strange that neither of her soulmates comes to check on them when Chloe takes a little too long to get settled and an impatient cry rings through the room, but forces herself not to dwell on it, not when her daughter is obviously hungry.

                It’s not until she finally leaves the guest room and enters the living room that she sees her soulmates, both sitting in chairs across from the hallway entrance, both obviously waiting for her.

                “Chloe, sweetie” Aubrey says softly when they notice her, standing and slowly crossing the room. “Why don’t you give me Brooke for a while so we can talk?”

                “I’m fine holding her” Chloe says immediately, glad the baby blanket is draped enough over her arms to hide the way they’d tensed at Aubrey’s words. “You don’t need to hold her just so we can talk, I’m okay with her.” She sees Beca and Aubrey share a knowing glance over the blonde’s shoulder, and isn’t prepared for the pang of hurt it causes as they interact so effortlessly, even though logically she knows they’ve _all_ reached that level with one another.

                “No, babe, you’re not okay” Beca says reluctantly as she too stands. “You’re hiding behind Brooke to keep yourself together, but you’re shutting us out while you are. And we don’t know exactly why, but we both think that maybe if you really let yourself react, it will help. But you’re not going to if you’re holding Brooke, so let Aubrey or I hold her, and we’ll all be right here for you while we work through this.”

                Chloe doesn’t know exactly what her emotions are doing as they both move to her side, each obviously waiting for her response. Because they _have_ noticed what she’s going through, and they’re pushing her to open up to them about it so they can help her manage. But they’re also trying to take her safety net from her, and they’ve obviously been talking it over without her, which doesn’t do anything to calm tat set of fears.

                But eventually the matching looks of unwavering love and support get through to her, and she manages to reluctantly shift Brooke to where Aubrey can take her. She can’t quite bring herself to actually pass their daughter over, but her soulmate seems to understand, closing the distance without a word as she carefully takes the baby.

                And as soon as Aubrey steps back with Brooke, Beca is stepping forward to pull Chloe into a hug, obviously knowing tears will soon follow. And they do, as soon as Chloe feels arms wrapped around her, not having realized how much she’d needed this comfort all day. They fall harder when Aubrey’s arms wrap around them both, the blonde whispering that she’d put Brooke down to nap again before Chloe can panic at her absence.

                And their daughter has been keeping her afloat all day, but this is different, this is conscious comfort from two people who know almost everything about her. It’s deliberate, and even though it’s making her aware of how close she was to drowning, it also feels like she’s slowly being brought to shore, her soulmates slowly swimming towards dry land with her in tow. Their presence eventually calms the tears, though her emotions are still all over the place, and she pulls back just enough to look them in the eyes, surprised to see tears on their faces as well.

                It adds a sense of guilt to the mess of emotions surging through her, and if they weren’t’ still holding her tightly, she might have pulled away in shame. She’s never wanted to cause them any kind of pain, let alone make them share what she’s going through now. But they’ve either been expecting the reaction or something in her face gives her away, because they aren’t letting her  pull away even an inch, if anything pulling her closer into them, murmuring reassurances as she continues to calm.

                “I’m sorry” she finally manages to say, blinking back a new rush of tears as she does. “You two shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

                “Chloe, we all support each other through everything. You’re the one who always tells us that, remember?” Beca points out, earning an eye roll from Chloe even through the pulse of emotions she’s still feeling.

                “No fair throwing my words back at me when I’m in a mood like this” she tries to joke, but the effect is ruined when her voice breaks before she can finish the sentence.

                ‘Baby, why didn’t you tell us you were struggling?” Aubrey asks softly as Chloe tries to avoid breaking down again. “We would have tried to help you, you know that right?” It takes Chloe a minute before she trusts herself to speak, so until then she just nods, looking between her soulmates as she does, trying to wordlessly apologize. They seem to understand, pulling her into another hug before leading her to the couch, all three of them sitting upright close together rather than her stretching out across their laps. It’s almost jarring, but Chloe knows they all need the added closeness for the conversation, the way both of her soulmates are cuddling into her sides is already starting to make her feel better.

                “You were okay when we went to bed, what happened?” Beca asks almost bluntly, and Chloe manages a small smile when Aubrey shoots her an exasperated look. It’s a layer of familiarity that lets her feel grounded enough to finally speak, and she loves them for it.

                “After you told us about your nightmare” she starts slowly, feeling Beca squeeze her arm tightly as she hears the words, “the images you mentioned, they got to me. I had another nightmare of my own, mixing what you told us with my own fears.” That’s all she can manage to say for now, even in the warm afternoon sunlight and not late at night fresh from the nightmare. She’s beginning to understand how hard it must have been for Beca to talk to them about her own nightmare, and now that she does she feels somehow even worse about not talking to them after pushing Beca to open up.

                “Why didn’t you tell us?” Aubrey asks as she starts running her fingers through Chloe’s hair, placing a soft kiss to the side of her head as she does.

                “I was going to, I swear” Chloe says immediately, wanting to make sure they know she means it. “But Beca had already had one nightmare, and you two needed your sleep.” She hesitates before adding the rest of her reason, and she can tell they notice when Beca gives her arm another squeeze and Aubrey presses another kiss to the side of her head. “And part of the nightmare, part of what caused it, was how connected you two seemed when Beca was telling us about hers, and how it made me feel left out.” That leaves them speechless for long seconds, and Chloe tries to keep her emotions in check while they process what she’d said. She’s already broken down once, they’ll never get through this conversation if she bursts into tears every time something hurts.

                “Chloe, what we went through, Aubrey and I had to face a lot of things between us that we really hadn’t before” Beca starts, and Chloe cuts her off before she can start explaining.

                “I know, and I know I’m being ridiculous, believe me. It just seemed like I almost died, and you two had to get to a place where you were okay with that, and then I pulled through, and you two still had that place. You went through something terrible, and it brought you closer together, but where does that leave me?”

                “You went through something terrible too” Beca points out softly. “You almost died, and yes Aubrey and I had to deal with that and what it would mean for us. But we never got to a point where we were okay with it, and I know we never would have. But we dealt with it, and when we all got home, you helped us deal with it. But I don’t think you ever really dealt with it yourself. And Aubrey and I should have realized that before this, but we were so caught up in our own nightmares and making sure you were physically okay that we didn’t even think about how you were doing mentally.”

                And now Chloe is remembering the way she’d felt as the doctors were wheeling her into the operating room, the terror of looking up into the bright lights and wondering if they would be the last things she saw, the loneliness she’d felt knowing Aubrey and Beca weren’t at her side as she faced that possibility. She’s remembering the doctors telling her how close she’d come to death, how they’d barely managed to bring her back, how they’d practically told her she might never have seen her daughter. She’s remembering the looks on her soulmate’s faces when they told her that colors had started fading for them, that they’d been watching as her soul died and took part of theirs with it. She’s remembering all of it, all at once, and it’s suddenly overwhelming.

                “That joke about us leaving you, that wasn’t just a joke, was it?” Aubrey asks when Beca finishes, and Chloe has to think about it for a second, refocusing on the present with an effort. And she’s glad that Aubrey has brought it up, given her something other than those memories to focus on before she panics.

                “I think I meant it to be” she says after a second. “I don’t think I realized what I was feeling when I said it. But if I’d said it this morning, when I woke up and you two were completely wrapped around each other, I don’t think it would’ve been a joke. And I know you both love me, I do. But it seems like you don’t _need_ me anymore.” Beca and Aubrey look stunned by that one, and Chloe wishes she could take it back, because it obviously hurts them as much as it hurts her, and she hadn’t meant to do that.

                “Chloe, do you remember what you once told me about having Beca in our lives?” Aubrey asks, and Chloe is a little thrown by the sudden change of topic. Aubrey seems to sense that, as well as her confusion, and continues before Chloe can answer. “Specifically when I thought I’d pushed her away for good. You told me that you and I could get through not having her in our lives, but we would never be okay with it. It’s the same with you, yes Beca and I _could_ live without you, but we wouldn’t be complete, would never be truly happy. We need you.”

                “Now you’re the one using my words against me” Chloe says through her tears, because she does remember that moment and how she’d felt, and she knows what Aubrey is trying to tell her. The three of them are connected, part of each other, in some theories actually one being in three bodies, and none of them can be okay without the others.

                “Do you want to tell us about your earlier nightmares?” Beca asks after they’ve all stopped crying again, and Chloe wants to say no, but she owes it to them. And Beca is right, she needs to face what nearly happened to her, not just keep pushing it down.

                “They usually weren’t as detailed or vivid, like yours and the one last night were” she starts, thinking back to the nights she would wake up desperate for the comfort of her soulmate next to her. “Sometimes a doctor would be telling me Brooke hadn’t made it, sometimes I was in the operating room before they put me out  but the doctors were talking like I was already gone. Sometimes I was somewhere pitch black and aching cold, completely alone and trapped, no matter which way I walked or how far.” She’s getting caught up in the terror of those old nightmares now, and Beca stops her with a gentle finger to her lips, drawing her out of the memories and back into the present.

                “Hey, look at me, okay?” she says as Chloe fights to breathe deeply. “The nightmares aren’t here, they didn’t happen. We’re all still here, all okay and past the danger. Are you ere with us?” As Beca talks Chloe manages to calm down, staring into Beca’s eyes to focus as she feels Aubrey rubbing calming circles on her back. She tries to match her breathing to Beca’s, and the brunette seems to pick up on that, exaggerating her breaths and slowing them down.

                “Yeah, I’m here” she finally manages to answer, even though she knows her voice is shaking.

                “Bree, I think we need to find someone to help us” Beca says as she continues to meet Chloe’s eyes, obviously knowing the redhead still needs the connection. “This is a little more than we can help with.” And Chloe wants to argue, but she knows Beca is right, she’s pretty sure she’s just had a panic attack or something similar, and she knows she needs more than just love to get through dealing with what’s causing them.

                “I’ll check tonight, make some calls first thing in the morning” Aubrey says from next to her, and Chloe manages to find her hand without looking away from Beca, using it to pull the blonde closer into her side.

                “I love you both so much” she whispers as her heart rate slows, and knows Aubrey is smiling even without seeing her, just like Beca is.

                “We love you too” they say almost in unison, and Chloe knows they’ll be able to make it through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm probably not going to go into detail with Chloe's therapy, because while I've taken more than just basic psychology classes, I am nowhere near an expert on what she would need in terms of therapy with and without the others, and I don't want to mess up any details and end up making light of serious issues. That's also why this chapter took so long to post, I wanted to make sure I took the time to get it right and adequately express how serious the situation is for Chloe, not just throw a few emotions at the page and hope it sounded good.
> 
> Also, apologies that I posted two chapters of Graying out in a row without updating Chloe's Weekend, but this one stuck in my head and I needed to get it out before I could focus on the road trip. But I do have the trip entirely planned out, down to what restaurants they'll be eating lunch at and what they'll be spending their nights doing (yes, for those of you who have commented or asked for more smut, at least one of the chapters will have some, though I don't know that all of them will).
> 
> There is also a possibility that at some point I will add a fifth chapter to this story, but it would skip a few years and I'm not sure about it yet, so I'm marking this complete for now. Please feel free to leave a comment letting me know what you think, I love hearing from everyone!

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a prompt from Tumblr: prompt for your soulmate universe. how about one of them gets hurt or sick and the other two have to contemplate the possibility of life as a twosome and what that might mean? (they pull through of course!!)
> 
> I have several other prompts in various stages of completion that are a lot less angsty than this one was, but this caught my attention and wouldn't let it go, so it's the one that got finished first. There's a second, so far shorter, chapter I'm working on finishing up and getting typed that should be up tomorrow unless I get really motivated and finish it tonight. It deals with Chloe finding out about Beca's insecurities, but isn't near as angst filled as this one.
> 
> If you've already sent in a prompt, I am working on them! If you haven't, feel free to send me one. Doesn't need to be specific to this AU verse, or even this pairing.


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